May This Be the Last Time

When I was 9, people started calling me the humpback whale. By the age of 11, I had learnt to hide a stash of food in my room so that I could still eat ‘normal’ portions in front of people without them judging me. By the age of 13, I had learnt how to make myself throw it all up after stuffing my mouth. Concerned comments from my relatives felt like stabs in the back. Now, I wish I had accepted their help earlier…

At the ripe age of 17, my world collapsed together with my shoulder injury and eventually a surgery: I was never going to be a professional athlete. I am not saying that those dreams were ever within my reach but when I had my injury, it became reality. Although my life changed, my eating habits did not. You can imagine what happens when, already a plus size, girl who trains 9-12 times per week quickly falls off the training regime yet her eating habits remain the same. Shortly, I became depressed over my weight and then went on to drowning my sorrows by eating some more. No one was calling me fat anymore, they did not dare to make me even more upset.

I was struggling with an eating disorder on my own for nearly 10 years before I, not so willingly, sought for help. I was taken to psychotherapy and dieticians but one can be very good at lying when it comes to telling about your eating. I did not trust anyone. I was a smart girl so I had to be able to fix it all alone. Eventually, I ended up ditching the dietician and trying more or less all the diets available on the interwebs. Fast but no lasting results. I have also had major knee and back problems. Does that surprise anyone?

In the past 5 years of my life, I have lost and gained somewhere around 100 kilos. That is a lot. Only recently, I have woken up to the fact that I have to be able to find a balance in my life. Training 4 hours a day to lose weight is just as healthy as restricting your intake of calories to 1200 calories per day. Sure, you will lose weight because you are starving yourself but it will all come back, with high interest.

Now, I want to start for the very last time. I want to be able to feel beautiful and, most important, healthy. I am not saying that being beautiful is linked to your weight but I am physically starting to feel terrible. I am not capable of walking up the stairs without running out of breath let alone running even 1 kilometre. Conversely, last year I ran 10K relatively easily. I may never become an Olympic athlete but I want to be able to do the things I love without my belly or thighs being in the way. I want to get rid of my knee and back problems.

But most importantly, I want to feel healthy inside my head. Over the years, my sleeping patterns have experienced both ends of the spectrum: sleeping on average 45 min/night to 38 hours in a row. I also acknowledge the fact that I am stressed out about more or less everything even so much that my study friends started to call me the ‘Worrier’. I am a perfectionist in every sense of the word but not when it comes to my own wellbeing. I want to learn to accept and love myself.

But how do I make it work? How do I make sure that this will be the last time?

I need to start from the very beginning. Break my relationship with food into atom level and reconsider everything. I need to find a balance between my goals and what is realistic. I need to tell myself what it means to really care for yourself and your health. Realise the importance of rest.

Lastly, I need to find a way to do this all without having to skip family parties or meet-ups with friends because I am too afraid of the calories. All my life, I have been a black-and-white person: you go for it 100 percent or you do not go for it at all. I think it is finally time to start finding all those different shades of grey. I need to adjust my lifestyle without giving up my identity.

Now, where does this blog come in?

This section of my blog will be about tracking my progress as well as my thoughts along the way. Hopefully, I am able to create an honest platform where You can also feel comfortable to share your experiences. We are in this together.

 

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My goal is to run a half marathon in 2017. What is your goal?

Xoxo,
Hanna

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5 thoughts on “May This Be the Last Time

  1. Pingback: My Relationship With Food | finsday

  2. Pingback: Progress: tired yet happy | finsday

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  4. Pingback: Back to Routines | finsday

  5. Pingback: Once an Athlete, Always an Athlete | finsday

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